Monday, June 30, 2003
It's time for ask Beetle!!
That's right... it's that time of the month. You can ask Beetle anything at all!!! And he'll give you an answer as straightforward as the phrase "she passed away because she said something unflattering about my figure." It'll be as accurate as LennonMurderTruth. It'll be as useful as sound and color at ATM machines. He'll be as effective as a Berkeley War Protest at solving your problem.
Ask Beetle! Because that's how you find things out. Not by classes, not by research, not by paying attention. You ask Beetle, for the one true answer to all of life's questions!
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Sunday, June 29, 2003
Hey hey hey!
Check it out! No counter! No comments! I get to pretend like people read this, and there's no evidence to the contrary! I'm a genius!
People often come up to me and ask "Do you know what time it is?" And I say "Yes," and walk away. But some people don't realize just how hard it is to pull funny out of your ass. Now, normally, my MO for getting funny is to apply it to things happening in the world, but nowadays, we see two major obstacles to this plan of action. First, nothing at all seems to be happening within my range of looking-for-things-that-are-happening (which has narrowed somewhat since the Beetle Beat's heyday, what with worrying about real life and all). Second, I'm trying to steer clear of strong politics, because being "that one conservative guy" wants the perfect Valentine's Day gift (to borrow a Keanism).
Why does it suck, you don't actually ask? Well, I started to see extremely non-kindred spirits calling me a kindred spirit, and some kindred spirits get all pissed off at me. Also, I'm not exactly sure what "kindred spirit" means exactly, so I'm just approximating.
"Whoa, whoa, slow down" you fail to think to yourself. "Are you abandoning your principles just because of the reaction you got from people?" That's a very simplistic way of putting it, which is okay, because there's a simple answer: yes.
"Wait, hold your bloody horses there, chief," you colorfully and fictionally muse. "What are you going to use for your funny if you don't use politics?" Ah, you finally failed to find the problem. Yes, without strong, condescending political views, it's much more difficult to make sneering, snide comments from safe sdelines. I'll use aliteration to make up for this challenge, but that only goes so far.
So we'll see where this goes. It might go straight up to the plateau of early Fall 2002, or right down to the bowels of Early Spring 2003. It also might go to Oregon, for unclear reasons. I mean, seriously, what's in Oregon? The Trailblazers?
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Saturday, June 28, 2003
Nothing in life is free
...except for flyers on Telegraph. It's important to employ cost-saving waste-reduction techniques in today's slumping economy. Here are my tips.
Yes, you should never go to the supermarket while hungry. As an alternative, try going to the supermarket while you have to take a really nasty crap, and you'll find you get no more than the bare minimum.
When you have a readership of approximately one hundred, it's a bad idea to publish twenty thousand copies of your newspaper.
Instead of buying your own fruit, it's possible to get it for free by encouraging fruit-based barrages with poor standup comedy routines. (For good material, try reading from this site.)
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Friday, June 27, 2003
An In Passing moment
In Evans hall, the bowels of university mathematics:
"The average human has one testicle and one ovary."
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Thursday, June 26, 2003
Popular summer movies
The Matrices:
"And so, unlike matrix addition, matrix multiplication does not commute."
The Incredulous Hulk:
"Oh, no! You turned into a monster!"
"Suuuuure I did."
X-Ray:
"Quick, Corporal, use your mutant powers to confiscate that bedsheet turban!"
The Seafather:
"It's a message. Nemo sleeps with the fishes."
. . .
Nananana
More powerful than Chancellor Berdahl.
Clearer than a Maxwell Yim column.
More popular than the Berkeleyan.
Cooler than summer classes.
Healthier than Fat Slice.
Funnier than the Daily Cal's classified ads.
It's the Beetle Beat! We're ready to tackle the big issues like:
State quarter designs.
High school crushes on guys in the military.
School-specific vending machine panels.
Answering questions like:
Where do babies come from?
Watcha' gonna' do when they come for you?
Should gay people get to vote?
Like the phoenix, we arise from the ashes. Actually, we're more like some guy who was sleeping in his fire-proof basement when his house burnt down arising from the ashes. From our use of the gender-neutral 'she' to using a girly template for a manly blog like this one, we're challenging the status quo and the English language in general. On the plate for this month: Discussing whether airborne pollen is a biological weapon in the war between humanity and Earth, destroying the planet Venus, and last but certainly not least, prizegiving! Prizes up for grabs right now:
Free something reasonable but not requiring too much effort for the first person to justify my posting my AIM screenname on this website.
Another free reasonable, low-effort prize for the first person who finds the beetle eating the orange cheese somewhere on this website or one of its links.
A last low-cost, low-reason, low-time consuming prize for the person who successfully guesses how many paperclips make up an average piece of jewlery.
Welcome back, returning readers, welcome not back, new readers, and you're not welcome, everyone else.
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Tuesday, June 24, 2003
You give me a loo, and I'll give you a dump
Worry about politics. Be very concerned about politics. Make sure everyone knows how you feel about politics. Here's why:
1. You get to pretend like you're accomplishing something (which you're not).
2. You get to earn the esteem of your colleagues, entirely contingent on you continuing to agree with everything they say.
3. You get to piss people off so that they hate you completely without even knowing who you are.
4. You get to spend your spare time thinking and reading about irrelevant things.
5. You get to stress out over nothing at all.
You people who care so much about politics are COMPLETELY NUTS!!! You hear me?
. . .
Berkeley
Yes, I'm here. I'm queer. I have at least one ear. By saying absolutely nothing very loudly on Affirmative Action, The Supreme Court once again distinguished itself as being the governing body with so much power that it's afraid to use any of it for fear of pissing people off. Not that I think they were wrong to do it. I don't agree with their decision either, of course, because I respect the value of saying nothing. It's time, however, for this more creative two-step solution to the racial problems we face today:
1. All Americans must have their skins removed.
2. University campuses will be expanded to new locations, specifically prisons.
With this plan, we can once and for all lay the spectre of our horrid past on racial issues to rest, along with most of the population after it dies in surgery.
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Friday, June 20, 2003
Thoughts to Ponder
When you're listening to a mind-numbing, brain-melting, ice-cream-lacking lecture from old people, you have a lot of time to get some real thinking done. Some of these intense thoughts I share with you today in the spirit of spirits.
Ever wonder what Jesus ate? Neither did I.
Usually, three times three is nine. But sometimes, three times three is... oh, wait, it's nine again. Nevermind.
Strolling down a crowded street,
Facing demons at my feet,
Hawkers sold me silverware,
I got eaten by a bear.
Things often happen for no reason. Why? Um... weren't you paying attention?
Children are like rodents without tails. Or fur. Or diseases. Or teeth or claws. Or rodentness.
Some people wish to fly. I do not. I'm sure it's boring up in the sky. There's nothing to do but... well... fly!
Strangely enough, those few individuals lucky enough to leave their world behind them always end up trying to get back to it. They work for NASA.
Most children are dumber than dolphins. Dolphins will do tricks so that they can get fish to survive. Children will do tricks so that they can get candy that will kill them.
Five out of ten fractions are unsimplified.
I, unfortunately, fail to appreciate the value of appreciation.
. . .
Reflections in a pool of honey
These past few months have really given me time to look around and smell the roses. I didn't actually do that with the time I had, because roses are kind of expensive and my nose is always congested so I can't smell anything anyway. But metaphorically speaking, I did smell the roses, and here are some of the things I discovered.
1. I like numbered lists.
2. Politics has its place, and that is as far away from me as possible.
3. I have my place, and that is as far away from food as possible.
4. Food has its place, but always seems to end up in my gastrointestinal tract.
5. There's more to life than just proving you're better than everyone else. You have to prove that you're also better than any hypothetical "ideal" person anyone might think of.
6. Seriously, though, the numbers don't mean anything in this list. Here, I'll show you.
G. It is not my fault that I fail to use proper English. It's all English's fault.
H. If I'm not an alien, how do you explain the fact that I'm not from Mars?
1001. Having devoured both my feet, I should never again find myself with my foot in my mouth.
1010. Where have all the flowers gone? I don't smell any...
1011. I'm so cool that even ice freezes when I touch it.
Dozen. How do you sell a car with no brakes?
Baker's Dozen. You advertise it as having "unstoppable power."
. . .
Achu!
...so I said, that's not a banana!
Somewhere in the sky between South Carolina and Virginia, the strangest thing happened to me... I was bitten by a radioactive beetle, transforming me from a regular guy named Beetle, to a regular guy named Beetle who had been bitten by a radioactive beetle. In any case, I thought I might give blogworld another try, seeing as I have nothing better to do, and the world has nothing worse to offer. More to come!
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