Landmarks Commission Strikes Again
Local colorful homeless man Susej was stopped by police as he attempted to get a job and turn his life around. Susej has been designated a landmark by the Berkeley Landmarks Preservation Commission, and therefore cannot be moved or altered in any way. Susej had no comment on the matter.
posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 4/23/2003 04:35:00 PM #
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Scandal Rocks Berkeley
Note: The following is fictional
The following is an intecepted communication from Mayor Tom Bates to President George Bush:
Dr. Mr. Bush,
I am the mayor of Berkeley. Berkeley has a lot of good ideas, and you should listen to them, so you can increase support for your party by a percentage (0). However, I write to you on a more personal note. I have recently promised to spend a day homeless in an attempt to pretend to understand the difficulties faced by the homeless in our town. The event was originally postponed after you began your war on Iraq. If it isn't too much trouble, could you please start a war with Syria so I can postpone the event again?
posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 4/22/2003 08:53:00 PM #
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Today's Daily Cal has a real headscratcher of a story today, entitled "UC Contracts Auditor While Suing Them." I mean, what are they thinking? No, not about continuing to do business with a company that you have accused of unlawful business practices, but about screwing up your pronouns and using "Them" for a singular noun.
posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 4/21/2003 02:43:00 PM #
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Math Department Confronts Students
Accusing math students of hiding "Weapons of Math Destruction," hordes of math TAs spilled out from the basement of Evans Hall for an assault on the units, where many of the students taking math courses hide, behind human shields of film and liberal arts majors. "The students will not sign us in at the security booth," said one math instructor in broken English and incomplete sentences he assumed the listener understood. "This proves that they are hiding Weapons of Math Destruction, and we have no choice but to defend ourselves. And the security monitors are in league with them!" A mysterious, long-haired, bearded man who frequently appeared to pause for deep thought in mid-word known only as "Monty" was having none of it, though. "You can have the key to the elevator when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" he declared. "Either you swipe your card or you get signed in. NO EXCEPTIONS! Also, you don't have roof access," he added, pre-empting the next idea by math forces. While forces have, in the past, been able to infiltrate the units due to the actions of a spy with the codename "Millenium Falcone," math forces were unable to take advantage this year. Unit regional commander "Shigi" was confident of victory. "Those math people don't have a chance of winning. Why, they're not even calling themselves an 'alliance.'"
posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 4/21/2003 11:57:00 AM #
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