Sunday, March 08, 2009
The Secret Truth: Revealed!
If you want to get overly literal, I suppose you can't really reveal secret truths. You can reveal truths that used to be secret, but by the time anyone sees your revelation, it isn't a secret anymore.
With that caveat, I found out the true origin of THOSE E-MAILS!!!! You know the ones I mean. The ones that showed, without a doubt, that CalSERVE wanted John Moghtader recalled. That was more of a "The Obvious Truth: Now with the Proof Everyone Knew Existed!" moment than any kind of secret truth revelation, but it sparked a second controversy which did include an unrevealed secret truth (again, redundant, I know). How did The Daily Cal get THOSE E-MAILS!!!!?
But after careful investigation using my spiderweb network of informants, I am now in a position to reveal to you the origin and journey of THOSE E-MAILS!!!! To understand the story, we must first talk about background.
A little over two decades ago, a boy was born in Palestine. To protect his family, I've assigned him a common Palestinian name: Frank. As folks know, Palestinian children are taught from a very young age about the evils of Israel, using child-targeted characters like Farfour the Mouse, Nahoul the Bee, and Joe the Camel. But Frank was never one of the cool kids. While his friends were off blowing themselves up to fight the occupation, he stayed home with his good buddy (let's call him Sean), who always played with his teddy bear.
One day, however, when Sean was out playing as usual with Frank nearby, the Israelis launched a helicopter raid to kill Sean, and the pilot took him out with a child-seeking Hellfire missile. The image was burned into Frank's mind, and was eventually used in fliers advertising SJP's Israeli Apartheid Week here at Cal.
(While not crucial to the story, it's worth noting that the Israeli pilot who decided that killing a single child would require an enormously expensive missile rather than using the much cheaper cannon was never disciplined, as American support renders the military resources of Israel effectively infinite)
But how did Frank's image become tied to SJP? In the April of 1999, the Learned Elders of Zion held a secret conference with the Leader of All Palestine, Allah. They came to an agreement that, while the conflict would appear to continue on the surface, the true fate of Israel and Palestine would be determined by a game of skill, as there was no other way to bring a convincing peace to the region. The original plan was to have the situation resolved by a soccer match, but Allah rejected this as unfair, as Israeli soccer players have superhuman abilities, achieved through years of drinking the blood of children. Instead, it was decreed:
In ten years time, in the city of Berkeley, the fate of Israel and Palestine shall be determined by a resolution passed by the Associated Students of the University of California. This resolution will be binding on all the peoples of Israel and Palestine. Palestine quickly dispatched teams of activists to Cal, while Israel began using its magical Jewish powers to manipulate world events and their press coverage. The Jewish Lobby convinced the United States to fake a massive terrorist attack on September 11 in the hopes that Berkeley students would unite to face a common enemy, but the Palestinians had already infiltrated all levels of Cal's student body, which was condemning America before the day was out, to thunderous applause.
SJP rocketed to prominence, their fame eventually culminating in the 2002 Wheeler occupation. The aftermath lasted months. At the behest of the Jewish Lobby, the university bungled the disciplinary hearings, leaving SJP with no martyrs and a reputation for being assholes who don't care about anyone else. A third of the way to the deadline, the Palestinians had to regroup so that, when it mattered, they could count on the campus's support. Though they had control of the CalSERVE party, they made little progress until 2006, when Frank came from Palestine to take over the Cal operation.
Frank changed his name to Yaman Salahi to provide cover, and quickly took control of all elements of everything related to SJP and CalSERVE. He ordered a risky gambit which payed off: CalSERVE suicide bombed themselves into barely showing up for elections, making Student Action so overconfident they overstepped and attempted to pay themselves their legal fees after suing the ASUC, with the tacit agreement of Israeli agents posing as lawyers.
This misstep led to a dramatic resurgence of CalSERVE, and Israel scrambled to take more direct countermeasures by creating the public relations front, Tikvah. The deadline was approaching, and after the failure of Gabe Weiner's test bill, they were getting desperate. He quickly sought out a Judicial Council opinion that the resolution held until the veto, which seemed nonsensical at the time. In context, though, it meant that the resolution could be binding without the ASUC president's approval, obviating the need to win that position.
This brings us to the current Senatorial landscape. Student Action, BCR, and SQUELCH!, solidly in the hands of the Jewish Lobby, could be counted on for their votes. Ten votes was all they needed, as the Mossad had a plan to distract Christina Oatfield with an organically grown Caterpillar bulldozer on her way to the Senate meeting. Needing a break, Salahi ordered a last-ditch effort to disrupt the mind-control rays being emitted by a Jewish band brought to campus by Tikvah. The SJP agents succeeded as planned, using the spiritual power imbued in the Palestinian flag to warp the mind-control rays, driving John Moghtader and two others into a rage, which compelled them to rush to and destroy the Palestinian flag. The perfectly-laid trap gave SJP the excuse they needed to push the recall they'd planned for months, tilting the balance of power in the Senate. Without Moghtader in the Senate, the Jewish control over Student Action could be broken, giving CalSERVE free reign to force whatever resolution they want.
(For those of you curious about the method, CalSERVE keeps a crazy lady in a stable somewhere, and her handler, Claudia Rodriguez, occasionally brings her out to Senate meetings to ramble nonsensically. Since the Jewish Lobby never actually told Student Action their real motives, they won't recognize the significance of the resolution and will give in just so they don't have to deal with the crazy lady CalSERVE will threaten them with)
With the imminent success of the recall looming, Israel had no choice but to come up with something, and fast. THOSE E-MAILS!!!! were not leaked to The Daily Cal by a CalSERVE member. They turned up when the Mossad hacked into the accounts of all CalSERVE-affiliated individuals, which then ordered The Daily Cal, controlled by the Jews as all newspapers are, to try to make a scandal out of them.
At first glance, it's not clear how they intend to turn this scandal into victory. Do they hope that it will solidify Student Action's resolve to the point where they'll face down the CalSERVE crazy lady? Will they expect CalSERVE to get so distracted by the scandal they forget to carry out the Palestinians' will? Is there some other nefarious plot that no one can predict? The real truth may forever be shrouded in darkness.
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