Thursday, July 28, 2005
When it counts
Recap: Continuing on with the AlcoholEdu course (survey, pre-test 1-10, pre-test 11-20, verdict, Chapter 1, judging, sheepism) Well, I finished Chapter 2: Knowing the facts. After a poor pre-test and some info about healthy vomiting, it seems I didn't learn much. Let's see if I do better in Chapter 3: When it matters.
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First they ask if any of my attitudes have changed. So far, I'm not reconsidering anything but my choice to accept my Berkeley admission, if this is what they spend their money on. I also see no need to change my current behavior pattern.
Chapter 3 is about making the tough decisions. It's sort of a practical exam, without the actual practicality. I would prefer a "choose your own adventure" type interactive program, where I would almost certainly end up with "Sorry, you've died from alcohol poisoning," but that would be too much fun, and if there's anything university administrations know about, it's keeping things from being fun.
First, some pointers on protecting your GPA. Be smart and do better than everyone else. Give the professor a blow job, if you think that would work. This is easier when drunk.
Next, peer pressure. Good friends let you be yourself. Yeah. We can't even teach you about alcohol, but damn, we know what good friends are.
Moving on, overdosing! "Common sense tells you there is a point beyond which no one wants to go." That sounds like a challenge!
Keep track of your drink! If you don't, who knows what could be put in it? On the flip side, though, where's the fun if you know exactly what's in your drink? Leave your drink unattended in rooms full of untrustworthy guys, and you can go on a magical journey to who-knows-where!
Anyway, make sure you have strategies for avoiding an overdose, or you'll end up like these chicks, or even worse, like the camera-user who seems to be falling over as she takes the picture.
Cold showers don't help your friends sober up. "You just end up with a colder, and maybe cleaner, but still intoxicated friend." Cleaner is better, I say. Shower away!
If you are concerned about a friend, call 911.
Whoa, whoa... if you're concerned about your friend, maybe it's not that great of an idea to call the police with their laws and such. But hey, "Being in a little bit of trouble is much better than being dead." Not always true. And besides, if you're playing the odds, the chances of getting deaded are usually not that high. They say "don't worry about your friend being mad at you." Why not? Seriously, dudes. It's all fun and friendly to pronounce these judgments of "safe is better than sorry" from your AlcoholEdu course, but some folks actually have to deal with the friends the next day.
One of their suggestions for throwing your parties is "Don't invite or admit underage students when you're serving alcohol." Of course, not admitting them often results in brawls, riots, and the like. But hey, AlcoholEdu doesn't need to worry about that.
Hey, don't waste your Spring Break giving money to bars. "Thousands of students decide to spend their Spring Breaks volunteering for community organizations." Yes, we call those students "losers." "Don't be fooled by the promotions that fill your college paper..." Hmm... around here, those promotions tell us to go to those volunteer spring breaks. So if we're not to be fooled by them... To the beach!
"There's not a wet T-shirt contest on your campus every day." I agree, that's a serious problem that needs to be remedied.
We've just reviewed strategies to prevent an overdose of alcohol. Have you ever used any of these strategies? If so, did they prevent negative outcomes?
Well, without a control existence, it's sort of hard to determine whether they prevented negative oucomes or not, dumbass.
Yay, it's back to our cool case study. Everyone is organizing a party without Nisha. Sam's football pals are bringing dates. No, don't do it! More people is dangerous! Nisha walks in, and is fucking pissed, and won't talk to them. She's either pissed that they're planning a party without her, or she just got raped because of her boozing habits at her sisters apartment with... dun dun DUN!!!... upperclassmen.
Anyway, you can actually see the flash from the cameras going off as they 'party.'
Let's see how they feel about their party afterwards.
Jason is jealous of that dude Nisha ran off with. Still, he knows he'd look like a total lamer to ask about it.
Sam is worried about Mike's blackout and wants to talk to him but doesn't want to talk to him. It was his fucking birthday, cut him some slack.
Mike doesn't recall what happened, but people sure are acting differently around him. He must have done something really fucking stupid. Still, he wants them to leave him alone about his alcohol problem, despite the fact that no one else seems to want to talk to him about it.
Audrey wants to meddle in Jessica's stereotypes. What a bitch. She's ruining it for the rest of us.
Nisha had a blast last night with the tall dark stranger, and even though her sister warned her about STIs, which are essentially STDs but with added political correctness, she's not worried. I smell a tragedy coming up.
Jessica is starting to fit in with the other girls. Because of this, she thinks something needs to change. That doesn't make sense to me, either.
Have you ever wondered whether some prescription medication or over-the-counter medicine you were taking might affect your memory, judgment, coordination, or decision-making? If so, which ones? Do you have any questions regarding how these medications may interact with alcohol?
Sure, I've wondered. That's why I always drink and do medications at the same time: to find out. It's all the excitement of gambling, but with none of the ugly-ass Vegas lights.
Now, the fun starts. How do alcohol and sex relate? "You see a link between drinking and sex in almost every ad for beer, wine, or liquor." Cross-referencing that statement with the Budweiser frog commercials... oh, God, you guys are fucking sick!
Surveys show that some students think drinking makes them more attractive to other people. That's not true, of course. What makes them more attractive to other people is drinking by the other people. Well, actually, let me qualify that, it does make them more attractive to the rapist segment of the population.
Anyway, boozing increases the risk of sexual assault. Sexual assault is a traumatic experience, so this where blackouts come in handy. Once again, the negative feedback loop of alcohol triumphs! (I wonder how this part would be different if I was male)
You've also got to worry about STIs and pregnancy. Like this chick. Look at how... uh... pregnant... or... sick... or... uh... well, I guess the punchline has to do with laundry. Drinking leads to laundry. BE CAREFUL!!!
Now we've got the interesting part. The AlcoholEdu folks are going to take advantage of folks' low self-esteem when it comes to their body to push alcohol reduction. You see, if you're too drunk, you might eat like a pig, and then you'll look like a cow. OMG! Also, booze has calories, but no nutrition. Well-played, AlcoholEdu folks. Well-played.
Next up: Booze leads to violence! If you're not careful, you'll be too drunk to enjoy the exchange being shown here. See how it gets really blurry? No one wants to miss a good fight just because she's drunk.
Let's go to hazing next. Hazing is classified as a form of "aggression" by these losers, and is tied to alcohol. Except for when it's not. But that's not important. What's important is blaming as much as possible on alcohol. We just studied riots, after all.
Drinking and driving gets its own section. Let me preface this, though, by pointing out that 'driving' means controlling a car through using the devices found inside. If you're asleep at the wheel, blowing your partner, or whatnot, and paying absolutely no attention to the road or the control of the car, you aren't really driving, and thus not driving under the influence. I don't think this defense flies when it comes to court, but try it on your parents.
There's some stuff about alcoholism, but the only thing I'll mention is that they recommend talking to your dean about it.
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