Thursday, June 16, 2005
Yawn
So, as you've noticed, I'm pretty tired of Beetle Beat. Lately it's been "Haha! That's something in the newspaper that's funny if you read it like I do! I'll go post it on my blog." But hey, without a newspaper, there's not a whole lot of that to go around. Thus, it's time to do something else with this blog. More to come when I actually feel like coming up with some ideas, but suggestions are welcome.
In the meantime, here are some of my favorite quotes from the many years of Beetle Beat.
"To be a successful engineering student, you may need some number-handling ability and thought processes so rational that the concepts of right and wrong fade away into the genetically engineered smoke monster, but the number one quality to a successful engineering student is arrogance."
"Also, baseball is boring. Especially if it parallels life, because life is mostly boring. So boring, in fact, that a lot of people spend part of it watching baseball." (in response to a column by Henry Lopez)
"There's more to life than just proving you're better than everyone else. You have to prove that you're also better than any hypothetical "ideal" person anyone might think of."
"We will scream without compunction, teaching you to graph the function!" (on disrupting classes for the purposes of education)
"We may as well do research on which way toilets flush on this side of the equator by flushing money down them. At least then we could get a government grant."
"Life is like a box of chocolates, if the chocolates were instead big hairy lions and the box was a cage that you're stuck in. Also, it has to be a living cage, which pokes you with stray bars and chickenwire. The chocolate lions taste a lot like regular lions, and their teeth are about as sharp. But not really as sharp, because they're only metaphorical lions. But these metaphorical chocolate lions have teeth as sharp as regular metaphorical lions. But there's also some really nice lions that'll protect you and share love and happiness with you, and they are so amazing that they deserve a different metaphor than chocolate lions. But, one of the many messages of life, which comes out perfectly clearly in this metaphor, is that neither people nor metaphorical chocolate lions always get what they deserve."
"There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part; you can't even passively take part, and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to pray to God that it wasn't designed by the Japanese."
"Cultural leaders have declared today National Unprotected Sex Day. Also known as Phylogenic Arbor Day, people, especially youngsters, are encouraged to have romps of unadulterated passion (although adultery may be taking place). A mild outcry came from certain religious groups, including one priest who said "What kind of hard-headed... er... I mean thick-skulled person would participate in such a thing." States, facing severe budget crises, are planning lawsuits against Big Hormone."
"Berkeley Asians speak with one voice to oppose stereotyping."
"Jacob Chistopher filed a lawsuit today against General Motors demanding reparations for damages caused by gravity. "It is clear that gravity has caused my client a great deal of hardship," said Lewis Winter, Christopher's attorney. "While gravity itself is not a recognized entity and therefore not subject to lawsuits, General Motors has been profitting off of gravity for years." Christopher claims that he was a victim of an unprovoked attack by gravity and thrown down the stairs in his apartment complex, leading to a fractured leg and a broken rib. He is suing for unspecified damages in pain and suffering.
A General Motors spokesperson defended the company, saying, "While it is true that our vehicles do not function properly in the absence of gravity, we did not in any way encourage gravity, but merely adapted a business to it." Winter dismissed the claims. "Gravity is an unlawful attacker, and any profit gained from the action of this lawbreaker is, for all practical purposes, stolen money. Gravity is passively encouraged by corporate giants such as General Motors continuing to give silent consent to gravitational dominion."
Dozens of other defendants are coming out of the woodwork to support Christopher's cause, and experts say a class-action lawsuit is likely."
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