Friday, February 18, 2005
The ASUCies!
It's time for the first annual ASUCies! It's this time of year when Beetle Beat examines the senators from the past year and checks out their goals, according to the probably unreliable information on the ASUC.org website. Disqualified from competition this year are new senator "Natasha Dandavati" and other senator "Betty Duong," because they don't have profiles, and I don't feel like doing research. Without further ado:
The Best Name
Ben Narodick, narrowly beating out Billy Wang. Get it? "Narrowly"? Ha!
The Picture Awards
Angle of Incidence Award
Robert Shen, for facing the camera the least of the eighteen competitors.
Hotness Award
Adrienne Leong, but of course that totally depends on an individual's taste. I encourage readers to pick their own winner for this award.
Stoicism Award
Brent Kastenbaum, for having the most minimal smile.
Is that a smile? Award
Igor Tregub, for the most unnatural smile.
Poser Award
Billy Wang, for trying too hard.
Superiority Award
Peter Chung, for looking the most like he knows he's better than you.
The Goal Awards
Economy Award
Chris Abad, for the shortest goal list (by character count).
Ambition Award
Billy Wang, for the longest goal list (by number of goals. Dude, wtf?)
Failure Award
This one would've been an all-way tie, with everyone failing their goals completely. This is further compounded by the fact that some goals are so ridiculously vague, to call them successes or failures is not even meaningful. So the award goes to Jason Dixson, for having a concrete goal (preserving the drop deadline) and failing spectacularly at it (i.e. failing badly enough that I notice).
Single-Mindedness Award
Brent Kastenbaum, for having his entire goal portfolio promote increasing.
Vagueness Award
Jerico Lavarias, for his goal of "Enhancing Berkeley student experience socially and academically."
Nose-Wandering Award
Lakshmi Sridaran, for planning on "Promoting unity among Asian American groups to adopt politically-charged agenda," as if she has the right to declare the agenda for all Asian-Americans.
Constituency-Only Award
Norena Limon, for only having goals for her constituency, and not for the student body in general.
Puzzle Award
Robert Shen, for having the most indecipherable goal: "Integration of student/library sciences and resources."
Success-by-default Award
Dena Takruri, for planning on "Establishing prayer space for students on campus" when such space already exists.
The Profile Awards (Note that most senators are disqualified due to their profiles containing nothing more than their goals. Student Action really likes their profiles, though)
LiveJournal Award
Jerico Lavarias, for obvious reasons.
Sound Byte Award
Manuel Buenrostro for "It is not our job as a student government to decide where the campus ideology lies; instead it is our job to create an environment where students can make these decisions for themselves."
Zen Award
Anil Daryani, for the most nonsensical philosophy.
Non Sequitur Award
Manuel Buenrostro for the most irrelevant profile category (Favorite Color).
Dude WTF Award
Manuel Buenrostro for the most ridiculous profile category (Favorite Comedians).
Adjective Surplus Award
Jerico Lavarias, for proclaiming himself to be a "self-proclaimed die hard Cal Bear."
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