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Nap Time!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Shocking News!!

A recent federally funded survey showed that children have a much greater love for candy than in the past!

Children were offered candy in exchange for filling out a questionairre on their feelings about candy. 100% of children admitted that they do eat candy, and are even willing to accept candy from strangers if those strangers look like they're doing a survey.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/30/2003 06:06:00 PM #
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. . .


So So Miss missed. Go Bears, I guess.

When a safety is the only score, there's always a stroll down memory lane. In some sense.

On Wednesday, The Daily Cal published
this article about blogs, and mentioned our favorite conservative bivalve, The Angry Clam.

"One time the Angry Clam drew attention from The Drudge Report, and one of the most well-known blogs, Glenn Reynolds' Instapundit.com, for posting a photograph that Miller took of an anti-Israel editorial cartoon tacked to a telephone pole in Berkeley in May 2002."

If I recall correctly, and maybe I don't, the real reason this picture drew attention was because "KILL JEWS" was scrawled over the original cartoon. The cartoon itself was nothing worth mentioning.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/30/2003 05:56:00 PM #
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Friday, August 29, 2003


Danny Frankenstein gets his
"I told you so"s in a letter in today's Daily Cal. It tells us what we all already knew. CalSERVE sucks at representing the students as a whole.

Of course, the Greek Philanthropy Fund ended up taking no hits. Here's the plan, well within the framework of what the ASUC constitution folks were thinking when they wrote it:

Start: We're $3,000 short of the amount of money our constitution tells us to have in our contingency fund.
Next: Let's take $1,500 out of each of the Greek Philanthropy Fund and the Engineers' Joint Council.
Then: Let's say "Yay, we have the right amount!"
Finally: Give back the $1,500 to each of the two groups.

Now that's efficiency!

Bill Gregory points out that the money the ASUC is scrambling to get is going to the ASUC Lobbying Corps. Woohoo! Free vacations for people with causes that have nothing to do with Cal!

Stanley Kahn is mad. He got fired. He wants us, the students, to deal with his problems for him by fighting for unions at the Berkeley Bowl. Higher prices for food already overpriced and far more dangerous to the consumer than comparable supercorporation products. Yay, Berkeley!

"Mack should take down his peace sign and try looking at a glass as half full." I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Justin Azadivar is an idiot, and inspiring only on a second-grade level to boot. Some things are obvious. Some things are not.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/29/2003 08:21:00 PM #
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. . .


In yet another post entitled "Whee..."

I've added a link to
Fark.com, which is my number one source for news which would belong in The Onion except that it's true. Cal-related? No. But this isn't Calstuff. It's "No, you're wrong!"

In a sidenote, Sidney Steinberg is stupid. You heard me. (Go get a copy of The Daily Planet or read here (last letter) if you want to know why)

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/29/2003 07:54:00 PM #
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. . .
Thursday, August 28, 2003

Root Causes

Searching for root causes is really not an adequate way to solve problems. For example...

Doctor: Who else did we have today?

Receptionist: There was an old lady who swallowed a fly...

Doctor: I don't know why she swallowed a fly. I guess she'll die.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/28/2003 10:19:00 PM #
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. . .

Nine to Five?

MSNBC article describes how the 40 hour work week has changed, and that 9 to 5 is no longer a reality. "How technology, productivity and family change the way we work" is the byline.

Question: Forget technology, fast-pacing culture, families, and economy. Didn't 9 to 5 end with the invention of the lunch hour? I mean, 9 to 5 is 8 hours a day. That's 40 hours a week. But where's the beef (lunch)? Every job I've worked at has either been 8 to 5, 9 to 6, or "come whenever the hell you feel like it."

On a related note, according to Moffitt's new mousepads, online wizardry can circumvent the whole article-finding phase of the research process, with REFWORKS! (in case you think having someone else write the paper for you is unsporting) Also, the mousepads are round (meh) and red (MEH??). Bright red. Ugly red. Stanfurd red.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/28/2003 04:21:00 PM #
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. . .


No! You're wrong!

"Sex crimes, however, are notoriously underreported. Only 31 percent of sexual assaults are reported to police nationwide, according to the FBI Uniform Crime Report for 1997." If they're unreported, how the hell do you know exactly what percentage they represent? The number is as arbitrary as your opinion, or the interest groups pressuring you to give a number that is favorable to their interests.

"Typo Leaves ASUC Scrambling for Money." *sigh* Why don't we just pay more fees, for our hugely competent ASUC? It's going to good, student causes, right, CalPIRG?

"Part of my individuality is lost. I feel like no political party represents me." That's voter speak. Senator speak is "Student Action totally funded and ran my campaign for me... maybe I owe them one."

"Alleged Prostitute Hopes to Use Arrest to Legalize Prostitution." Oh, yeah, that'll definitely work. I mean, look at how well marijuana is coming along.

"A protester carried an effigy of John Ashcroft in jailhouse stripes." Um. Prostitution was illegal before John Ashcroft. Seriously.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/28/2003 11:46:00 AM #
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. . .


Blah, I say. "turntablism" De-Cal? Sheesh. You may as well make a De-Cal called "pwnt" which instructs you how to become a better Counter-Strike player. The geek culture is not only much bigger than the Hip Hop culture on campus, it's also seriously underrepresented in all the crappy "cultural thingumabobers" that we have to do, thanks to the "sensitivity" of our fascist student leaders. It's a hugely important culture in our society, and doesn't even have an AC class. It's only a matter of time before "All your base are belong to us" becomes required listening, so why shouldn't we be learning about this vastly more influential culture, instead of a bunch of dead cultures or cultures in Africa, or Australia, or wherever?

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/28/2003 11:39:00 AM #
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Wednesday, August 27, 2003



The new Golden Bear: Meh. Take the old Golden Bear, add in some pennies and candy, remove some seating, and you've got the new Golden Bear. Why is everything now in the $__.99 format? Just to piss everybody off, I suppose.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/27/2003 09:59:00 PM #
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. . .

Blog War!

It's thinking time! Woooo!

Over at my second favorite Berkeley blog (my first being... umm.... mine),
Rebecca C. wants to see a replica of that big block of rock with words on it called "The Ten Commandments" moved away from government buildings and such.

I remember this issue. It pops up every few months (or days) in various places. It actually came up in my hometown of Manhattan (Kansas, for Beetle Beat newbies) shortly before I left for college. (It's too old to go digging up the articles from the Mercury, our local paper) The block was eventually moved, I think, after being first turned sideways, then hidden behind some bushes. One of the more convincing arguments came from a clergyman who appealed to what everyone else was appealing to (how they felt about it, not the law or the Constitution), by saying "I wouldn't want to see a slab that read 'There is no God' next to my city hall."

Feelingwise, I agree. Legalwise, I keep missing the argument.

The government is supposed to be secular. Fine. Why, however, does a secular government need to have no religious symbols in or near any of its buildings? Why is it such a problem for nonreligious (or non-Christian, in this case) citizens? If it's not preventing participation in government by all faiths, and it's not causing persecution of particular faiths, why is it an abomination?

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/27/2003 01:47:00 PM #
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. . .

So much to do, so little money

The university is facing severe budget problems, and ASUC is stuck with
little money thanks to well-thought out spending plans by previous ASUC bodies. What's to be done?

Go get Michael Moore! Bring an idiot with crappy factual skills to come talk at a high cost to the student body in order to benefit the tiny minority of students who would go.

Fight Prop. 54! In the spirit of letting students make their own decisions without being bullied by the ASUC, let's bully students to vote no on Prop. 54! With false information, no less! ("It's bad for medical research..." which, if I recall correctly, was explicitly excepted in one of the earlier versions... I dunno about now, though)

Lobby! a.k.a. blow money trying to convince people who don't care what we think to care what we think.

Partner with CalPIRG! Woo! Way to put that money to a place where it'll come back and help us, the students!

Don't give said money to student projects like student publications which students actually read. You know. Us. The students. The ones you're supposed to be representing.

This is why petty SA politics are so much better than broad-minded CalSERVE ideals. We may as well do research on which way toilets flush on this side of the equator by flushing money down them. At least then we could get a government grant.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/27/2003 01:37:00 PM #
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. . .


So I switched to Backblog because it's reliable. Hmm.

News in brief today. Includes brief on how the police are waiting for a warrant to go arrest the "Southside Groper." Let's hope he's illiterate, or else, news in brief tomorrow:

Berkeley police reported that a raid of the home of a man suspected of being the "Southside Groper" failed to turn up any evidence of the man.

"As far as we could tell, he had just packed up and moved," said BPD officer Mary Kusmiss. "It's possible that he somehow received prior warning of our arrival."

Added Kusmiss, "Who is this Wittmeyer girl anyway? Mike Meyers jerking off every time I reported an arrest was annoying, but at least he didn't blow our operations."

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/27/2003 01:30:00 PM #
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. . .

Hey, that's us!

The Daily Cal reports on how Cal students are getting a
"new voice in blogs." Kevin finally gets his link. I don't. *sniffle*

I don't know how "new" it is, though. It's described in the story as at least a year and a half old, which is almost half of a college career. Our particular blogscape was much more voicey on either side of the Summer of 2002 than it is now. So really, it makes more sense to call it "old" than to call it "new."

Also, Cody's Books hardly seems like a Cal student blog. Not that I read it. Or have ever read it. Or have ever heard of it.

Cogito, Ergo, Sumana, another blog I've never heard of, looks ugly as hell.

DeLong's blog is also not a Cal student blog.

TV Tattle also smells like a monkey.

How did the Daily Cal pick its blogs? Sheesh. I guess I'm just elitist.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/27/2003 09:29:00 AM #
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Tuesday, August 26, 2003

On the Mack thingie

What I probably should've mentioned, but didn't, was why I thought he should take down his peace sign.

Contrary to popular belief, conflict isn't started or propogated by "bad people." Genuine bad people who are comfortable with causing harm of others for their own ends are few and far between, and simply couldn't start a real conflict on their own. What is required is people like Mack, who are willing to assume the worst about people other than themselves. It's the Macks of the world, not the Bushes (to use a common belief in Berkeley) who cause conflict in our world. Take a look at Israel-Palestine for the perfect example of assuming the worst about humans unlike oneself.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/26/2003 11:41:00 AM #
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. . .

Here's some fun!

Yesterday, I sent a letter to the editor about
this column from Mehammed Mack. They're not going to publish it, though, so I may as well put it up here, because I'm even boreder than usual.

Monday's columnist, Mehammed Mack, writes a scathing yet groundless accusation of xenophobia of a particular person, and decides to extend it to all Americans in an even more groundless accusation.

The woman in question is mocked for using the term, as Mack puts it, "Ay-rabs." While I welcome Mack to prove that he, unlike this woman, pronounces every English word, including those derived from foreign words, in the "proper" manner, it would be impossible, because no American pronounces words the same way, and different pronounciations by people raised under different conditions are nothing to be belittled for. It's even more shocking that a son of immigrant parents would engage in such mockery.

Worse, he seems to think that because an emotionally distraught woman decided not to list every Arab country in the Middle East, and instead assume that her listener would be able to figure out that "you're not from there, are you?" meant "you're not from the region inhabited by Arabs, are you?" she is therefore ignorant.

Finally, because she says "Oh, good," Mack declares her xenophobic. "Oh, good," in this context, pretty obviously means "Oh, good, I didn't offend you, because despite your best efforts to stereotype me and all Americans as ignorant xenophobes, one of the biggest concerns on my mind is making sure I don't hurt other people's feelings, regardless of their nationality."

I could find xenophobia around every corner and in every sentence if I wanted to, too. I don't. Mack should take down his peace sign and try looking at a glass as half-full.

Now that I think about it, it wasn't a very good letter. I was just pissed that they gave space to such a dolt. Hell, I could even write better than that.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/26/2003 11:13:00 AM #
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. . .

No, you're wrong.

I think I might change the title of this blog to "No, you're wrong." After all, that's about all I say. Looking for biting social commentary? Alternative news you can't get anywhere else? Excellent writing at a reasonable price? Yeah, you won't find it here. What you'll find here is me, saying "No, you're wrong," to writers who aren't listening.

Speaking of, it's time to make fun of the Daily Cal opinion page! (cue theme music)

Are you ready for some crappy editorials? Good lord, are these people boring. Saved by the Bell? Oh, for the glory days of Ostrem.

Opinion shows opinion is true. Or that's the claim Kapp seems to assign to CalPIRG CalPRICK Sierra Barnes in "Cartoon shows Bush's Failure to Protect Environment." (The cartoon is here) Not that Barnes is off the hook for stupidity. "For example, 95 percent of Californians live in areas where the air is unsafe to breathe - how many people have asthma or a little brother or sister who has asthma?" I don't, and I don't have little siblings. Nor, if my recollection is correct, is it the case that 95 percent of Californians have asthma. Nor are they keeling over from breathing that "unsafe air." Let me throw out a statistic, while we're making them up. 87 percent of Cal students are suffering because of CalPIRG. How? Heck if I know. I just like blaming things for things.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/26/2003 11:09:00 AM #
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Monday, August 25, 2003


Classes have begun.

Huge crowds on Sproul Plaza between 0 and 10 minutes past the hour have returned.

And the publications are back.

The comeback Squelch has outdone itself... in SUCKINESS! Well, not really, but sort of. I've seen better.

The Daily Cal says some stuff. It's thick. And mostly useless. I'm not going to say anything. I'm too tired to even bother reading through the non-news drivel.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/25/2003 05:12:00 PM #
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Saturday, August 23, 2003

Cruzing for chicks

Where do we, as students, stand in this recall election? Who should we be voting for? Well, one, two, here we goo... um... go... with toe, maybe...

Recall: Vote yes! Why? Is it because of Gray Davis's lack of ability as a governor? The better replacement candidates? No, not really. But the state has to reimburse Gray if he does not get recalled, and that costs money. When the state spends money, we all know which fees go up. Of course, I've only heard vague comments about this reimbursement aspect, so if my interpretation is incorrect, feel free to correct me.

Vote for Cruz, not Arnie! I, personally, would prefer to see Arnie in office, because his celebrity status pretty much makes him a walrus as far as governance is concerned. He won't be doing anything meaningful, which is good! (costs less, doesn't screw up the state as much, doesn't rip away our freedoms, etc. etc.) However, as a Cal student, I really have to stand behind Cruz, because he is, as they say, "unprotestable," which isn't the case with Arnie. If Arnie wins, we'll all have to see a whole new sleugh of insults, shouts, dismissals, poorly done editorials, poorly done editorial cartoons, and the like from protestors and spineless newspapers. If Cruz wins, they'll stick to Bush and co. This means they don't get to start all over with the jokes, and actually have to come up with creative ones that haven't already been done.

Thus, Beetle's endorsement for students: Yes on recall, yes on Bustamante.

Is this best for the future of California? Why the hell should I care? I'm leaving this damn state once I get that little piece of paper I came for. All I care about is what's less annoying.

Also, even though Cal got soundly beaten by K-State, I'm not too sad. K-State is in Manhattan, my hometown! Go Wildcats! And come up with a more creative mascot, please!

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/23/2003 10:53:00 PM #
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. . .


The Chron reports that some ELFish types went SUV burning/vandalizing. Woohoo! They should be ashamed of themselves. Don't they know that burning down buildings and cars causes global warming? Sheesh.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/23/2003 12:23:00 PM #
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Friday, August 22, 2003


It's time for another SUPER-BEETLE-AURORA-DRAKE-CONTEST-WITH-CRAPPY-PRIZES!!!! As always, the prizes are "vaguely reasonable things which don't really require a whole lot of effort on my part."
Kevin calls them "Calstuff favors," and I thought I'd be nice and try not to rip him off completely.

This time unit's categories are:

Trivia about my favorite person in the world (me): Can you name one of my older e-mailed publications?

Rhetorical questions which demand answers: Whatcha' gonna' do when they come for you?

Random stuff: Rearrange the letters of Kris Cuaresma-Primm into something which makes me chuckle before I do.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/22/2003 10:40:00 PM #
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. . .


No! Say it ain't so! Blah blah blah rhyme with o! There's no deep, meaningful commentary by a thoughtful, enlightened columnist in today's
Daily Cal! This calls for one thing: The Beetle Drake to the rescue! (By the way, what is a Beetle Drake? Well, if a beetle and a duck have sex... they don't spawn a beetle drake. Seriously. You were an idiot for even thinking it was possible.)

Beetle Aurora Drake

What a vacation. I took a vacation to this place called "Placeville." I thought it was a dumb name, too, but going around town yelling about how much of a dumb name the town had wasn't exactly a bright thing to do.

You see, Placeville is filled with a bunch of oversensitive floogenflurgers of questionable sanity who all carry firearms of various sorts. And while it's accepted for us Berkeleyans to make fun of our own town freely, the same doesn't hold true for outsiders mocking Placeville.

Etc. Etc. Etc. some deep revelation about gun control and true friendship ensued.

But is that revelation really a revelation? Or is it just the same as it was beforehand? All we learned, after all, is that things are or aren't a particular way, concerning gun control and true friendship.

Also, Bush sucks. So do Republicans in general. They're all stupid.

Wait, is this even still related to Placeville? And what the hell does this have to do with underwhere?

Want to shoot at Beetle? E-mail him at opinion@dailycal.org. But really don't. He doesn't work there.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/22/2003 10:28:00 PM #
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Thursday, August 21, 2003

Beetle's Tips to Intimidating students

These are some tips I gave professors for free use in their classes:

1. On every test, place a small picture of Gandalf saying "You shall not pass!"
2. Have downtrodden attendents follow behind you holding up your dress.
3. Have a prominently displayed list of students entitled "To Smite:" Cross off several names.
4. Wear a straitjacket and have police officers with stun batons standing around you.
5. Say "It would be unfair of me to fail students on a whim. Life is not fair."
6. Have one seat in the front occupied by a dusty skeleton with an exam booklet in front of it.
7. Wheel in a cartful of large pods and suggest that if any students fall asleep, they will be "replaced."

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/21/2003 10:27:00 PM #
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Holy Crap, do I say Holy Crap a lot

Great news, everyone! I'm purple!

This concludes the test of the emergency boredcast system.

Three years later, I can honestly say that coming to Cal has changed me in ways I could never fathom before. Such as, for instance, increasing my fathoming abilities. Here are some of the great things that Berkeley put inside the heart of your not even close to humble narrator:

1. Appreciation of weather. Hail, thunderstorms, snow, ice... beautiful things.

2. Wider horizons for humor. Rape jokes, gay jokes, death jokes... it's all tolerable here at Berkeley.

3. Discovery that pot is not even close to a harmless drug.

4. Hatred of foreigners. It wasn't until I really met them that I felt comfortable despising them. Diversity builds something, but it sure as hell isn't tolerance.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/20/2003 09:40:00 PM #
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. . .

Holy Crap are they white

Judging by the makeup of the units, we've got one of the whitest, least asian classes arriving in Berkeley this year. I can already see this class going down as the worst in a long while.

Also a curiosity, a pamphlet "Welcome to your student government" lists the various offices, their jobs, and their veeps. But the SAO is being led by a mysterious outsider named "Staff." Go Schulman!

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/20/2003 09:51:00 AM #
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Monday, August 18, 2003

Holy crap, was I bored

I strolled over to the convocation today. Blah blah blah diversity blah blah go bears blah.

But our beloved Prez, Cuaresma-Primm, had these two approximate quotes:

"The ASUC won't tell you what to think..."

"Mobilize your peers to register to vote and vote no on Proposition 54."

Oh... how not-telling-you-what-to-think. Yay!

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 04:48:00 PM #
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. . .

I'm that Georgy Watch guy! Finally, the recognition I deserve. (That is a marvelous picture on georgyrussell.net. I may vote for her after all)

Well, it's been a fun ride, but now that we've dropped down to page 3 or 4 of the google search, the slack has been half-taken up by others, and Georgy Russell isn't saying a whole lot, the fun is more or less over. Add in the minor details that, as was the case on day 1, I really have nothing to say, and that the university's fall semester is about to begin, I think it's about time to return to my normal blogging duties on my beloved Beetle Beat, with its mediocre topics, it's mediocre grammar, and its mediocer spelling. Stay tuned, though... this may not be the last hit-getting scam I participate in.

I went ahead and transferred my posts from Beat of Beetle, so I can kill the site comfortably. Sigh loudly, my Berkeley readers! Your savory savior is back!

I tip my hat to you, Georgy Russell, it's been fun. I wish you the best you could possibly hope for (i.e. low numbers of stalkers).

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 10:37:00 AM #
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Woo Woo!

Mo Kashmiri, Chief Advisor to Student Regent Matt Murray, gets his picture taken in his arms-crossed-in-front-of-Sather-gate pose in the
East Bay Express. He doesn't have as many quotes as you'd expect, from a story about him, but here are some various quotes from various people, since I don't feel like a full complaining session:

First, though, let me say "SCREW YOU ALL!" to those professional students. It's not like suing is going to cost the university anything. It's the rest of the students who end up getting screwed. I'm actually a big fan of professional school fee increases, because it means Mo has to pay more, and I don't like Mo. Badness for Mo makes me happy. HAPPY!

"I was, like, 'Hey, that's not legal! They can't do that. '" Well, if people couldn't do things which weren't legal, we wouldn't really need courts at all. I'm not a law student, and I know that.

"Educationisaright.org." Says............ you? Right now, the university is on my left. So it's not a right. It's a left. But platitudes are cool. Come check out my new website, "Rapeisaright.org." (Beetle Beat. Making rape jokes since 2002)

"The biggest problem isn't even at the UC," Kashmiri admits. "It's the CSUs and the community colleges who are taking the real big hits. There's a lot of students in the CSUs and the community colleges who won't be back." And to solve this injustice, I'm going to sue so that the CSU's and community college students will have to pay even more!

Finally, what really rankles the students is that they don't think paying more tuition will necessarily benefit their particular programs. "This money is being taken out of law students, but it's not going back to the law students or the school," Cohen says. "It's going to the General Fund. It's going to Sacramento to buy new furniture for the chancellor's office, for all I know." Or it's going to law students or the school, for all you know. But since when did anyone claim that the higher tuition was for better services? It was to offset a money shortfall. Only. I haven't heard anyone claim differently.

"In the meantime, Kashmiri, who describes the students' legal adventures as "terribly fun," seems to enjoy the irony of using his newly minted lawyering skills to sue the very education system that taught him how to file a brief." That is ironic! And it's strange that you claim to be fighting for our rights, but also claim that you're doing it for fun. Woohoo! You sound like me, now.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 10:35:00 AM #
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. . .

The Quote Bag!

Former U.S. surgeon general David Satcher:

"Obesity is soon going to replace smoking as the number-one iller in this country." I always thought old age was the number one killer. Or heart disease, maybe, but that's pretty much the same thing. Everyone dies. No amount of breast-feeding is going to change that.

"I can't think of anything more natural than breastfeeding." I can. Dying. Does that mean dying is good, and should be encouraged in hospitals? Natural things are better, after all.

School district spokesman Mark Coplan:

"Berkeley is in the forefront of the field (of "voluntary desegregation"). I think other districts are looking to Berkeley." No. They're really not. Berkeley's schools suck. Other school districts tend to look to successful school districts. Berkeley really is full of dreamers. They always seem to think everyone is looking towards Berkeley for guidance in all things. It's so not true. Berkeley is unheard of at best, and a joke at worst. Besides, "voluntary desegregation" actually means forcing children to go to schools which are further from their homes than others. They don't have a choice. It's not really all that voluntary.

Concerning the Livermore Lab protest:

Nathan Britton, protester: "(development of smaller tactcal nuclear weapons) will blur the distinction between conventional and nuclear war." Isn't that a good thing? It's not that the distinction is being blurred by sleight of hand or anything. It's being blurred because smaller tactical nuclear weapons truly aren't full-scale nuclear weapons. The blurred distinction isn't going to make war suck any more than it already does.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 10:35:00 AM #
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How Odd

I find
Adam Guthrie's columns suprisingly unfunny. While this kind of writing isn't foreign to me, and can be found in such actually-funny publications at The Squelch, I get the feeling that Guthrie is serious, and a genuine asshole, rather than a humor-driven pseudo-asshole like Kevin. Well, it is The Daily Cal. They haven't delivered a particularly impressive summer run, so I guess I shouldn't expect it now.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 10:34:00 AM #
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. . .

Chortling material

Letters to the Editor

Victor Weber: "The Protocols are a forgery. They were written at the behest of the Okhrana, Tsar Nicholas II's secret police to support the Tsar's repression of Russia's Jews. Most of the language in the original publication was copied directly from Russian translation of a German novel by Hermann Goedsche (Biarritz, 1868)."

Danny Reynolds: "It is quite obvious that that document was completely fabricated by the Nazis to support their murderous actions."

Well well. Looks like it's not common knowledge after all.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/18/2003 10:34:00 AM #
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Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Move over, Georgy

A new Berkeley candidate, who looks almost comically teenagerish, is in the race, with the stated goal of "getting political experience in a better way than a Political Science class." Which isn't her quote. It probably shouldn't be in quotes.

Regardless, Liz Swaney's website looks like a teenage girl's homepage, and is complpete with issues, pictures, stars, and mysterious words like "properity." (actually, a typo for prosperity)

Kids are so cute when they try to do things. "(Middle-aged people) don't think people younger than them should control them." Talk about bad word choice. Control? That's almost as bad as "as a woman" or "this recall is an assault on democracy." She makes Georgy look serious!

Soeaking of serious Georgy, it's quite difficult to write a full-time blog on one particular candidate with no chance of winning. Presumably, Georgy has the ability to at least raise the issues on radio shows and in thong form, but it's still a pretty thin field of topics. (she sounds like a whiny dreamy girl on the radio clip she offers on her website, by the way. I was disappointed)

Maybe I should sell ads for my unreasonably large readership. I'm sure to get enough money for a Coke by the end the election.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/12/2003 10:16:00 PM #
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Hey, look, it's me!

To my favorite Berkeley readers, and some of my less favored: Beetle Beat, concerning Berkeley issues, is currently over
here. Go. Now.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/12/2003 06:49:00 PM #
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Monday, August 11, 2003


Well, something's wrong with my counter, or the searcher, or something, because moving down on Google's search list has sudenly led to over a thousand hits today. It'd be best if I had something to show people:

Naked pictures of Georgy!!! ... Which I don't have. Oh, well. It seems the media hub-ub has died down around her, anyway. I may go find something else to do.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/11/2003 09:01:00 PM #
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Cheap Shots

Georgy has this to say on Arnie:

Arnold said he'd spend up to 20 million of his own money, though his staffer said he'd spend whatever it takes (since money is no object in the household of this self proclaimed populist candidate who understands the "people")

She then goes on to say that if Arnie wins, he'll be getting it pretty cheaply, because he's spending the least per vote.

But, if this was her she was talking about, she would surely be pointing out the low cost per vote as a sign of being "independent of money." Instead, since it's an opponent, she claims that his willingness to spend his own money is a sign of failure to understand the "little people."

But Arnie's self-provided wealth actually gives him that "clean elections" edge which Georgy so vociferously proclaims. Because Arnie's money is all his own, he isn't going to be beholden to special interest groups and supporters, like the more traditional campaigners are.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/11/2003 01:02:00 PM #
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Friday, August 08, 2003

The secret truth about Georgy Russell

Georgy is just Gregory rearranged and minus an r. R is the 18th letter of the alphabet, and adding 1 and 8 gives 9. Multiply this by Georgy's age and you get 234. 234 is just a sequence of numbers, between 1 and 5. But 1 and 5 can be arranged to make 51, as in Area 51. Therefore, is Georgy Russell, as claimed earlier, an alien? Of course not. She's just paranormal. But that's even worse. Paranormal looks suspiciously like Pair of Normals. So, in fact, Georgy Russell is stitched together from the corpses of two normal people. How else do you think she got beauty and brains?

Now, sure, there's those of you out there who enjoy wearing blinders, and you'll ignore this perfectly logical conclusion. Of course, I can't prove it, but when can you really prove anything?

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/08/2003 09:04:00 PM #
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Wednesday, August 06, 2003

She's doomed!

(As if she wasn't already)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is running after all! Since I was voting for the cutest candidate, Georgy just lost my vote. Gary Coleman, who is running as a gag candidate for my favorite quasi-newsthingie, the East Bay Express, is even voting for him. ("Whose ass do I kick if I actually win? Because that means I'm gonna have to move up to Sacramento- the armpit of California- and administer this state back to some kind of solvency." Now that I think about it, maybe Gary could get the cuteness vote... but I like tall men)

When even a powerhouse like Coleman is helpless against the Terminator, there's no way poor Georgy can win.

Arnie is using a rather unorthodox strategy for fighting for the little guy. Instead of being one of the little guys, like Georgy is, he is going to be independent of special interests because he doesn't need their money. The old "I'm too rich to be influenced by special interest money" tact. It's good to see someone stepping beyong the old "I'll fight for you because I'm one of you" school of thought, and into the "I'll fight for you because I can" philosophy.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/06/2003 08:33:00 PM #
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New Issues!

Georgy Russell has a few more issues on
her website, and since I'm not up for doing any research, I'll just let the Georgy campaign do all the work for me.

Budget Defecit: Georgy puts forward a plan, finally. More taxes. Absolute genius. She has the economist vote. That's.... what... 53 votes? (By the way, check for a typo near the word 'deride')

Legalization of Marijuana: Georgy puts forward the "One more sin tax, one less crime to punish" angle, which is pretty well-played in this time of economic badness.

Alternatively, though: "Evidence shows marijuana is no more harmful or addictive than alcohol." Well, evidence shows a lot of things. Evidence also shows that marijuana is more harmful and more addictive than alcohol. It also shows that fat is good for you. And is bad for you. It's not like alcohol's all that friendly, either. Do we really want to change our abbreviations? DUI would have to become DUSKI (Driving Under Some Kind of Influence). That's just too much to ask of our society. Also, no one likes smokers. Just think of all the no-pot-smoking laws we'd have to come up with. Marijuana legalization is a real headache, one that needs to be treated with marijuana. I'm hungry.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/06/2003 05:03:00 PM #
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About Time

Finally, I received some vitriolic disagreement mail. I'm overjoyed. This stuff is so much more fun when there's actual disagreement. I'd like to encourage those of you stopping by because Google led you here to leave a few angry/reasonable comments in the provided comment boxes. It makes it more fun for everyone.

Just to get the ball rolling........ Georgy smells like a monkey, and programs like one, too. (admittedly, like one of the cleaner better-programmer monkeys, but a monkey nonetheless)

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/06/2003 04:53:00 PM #
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Monday, August 04, 2003

Where has all the money gone?

The Russel Blog suggests great disappointment with our legislature for their budget-blowing barbarianism. (strangely enough, Dictionary.com says that barbarianism is a word. News to me.)

"These don't seem like California's priorities to me. They more closely resemble the priorities of a short sighted legislature, where politicians are more worried about re-election, where re-election is controlled by special interests and big money and not by how well the people are served."

Welcome to the Republic. Short-sighted re-election worries keep our country on its feet. Combine this with "the recall is an assault on democracy," and Georgy shows a suprising lack of knowledge about government in general.

But unless she's proposing a dictatorship (which may be the case... is it?), I fail to see how her governorship is going to do anything about this. If anything, it'll make the legislature feel more comfortable going willy-nilly on the silly-milly with an unconnected prog in office.

Anyone can complain about how badly things are being done. I do it all the time. It's FUN! But I'm not running for governor. Georgy is. She's going to have to come up with solutions, not just complaints, if she wants to be a good governor. If it's just complaining she wants to do, there's no need to run for office. A monkey could do the governor's job, if there aren't going to be any good alternative solutions. (deja vu)

How is Georgy Russell going to deal with the special-interest-ruled legislature? Lapdances for candidates who vote her way? Cuteness is on the platform, after all. She may as well use it.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/04/2003 05:14:00 PM #
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150 hits today, and it's not even 5. Changng the name of this blog is indeed getting that strangely unfair publicity I expected it to. Now, what to do with my ill-begotten readership...

Aha! Let's spread baseless and almost certainly false rumors about Georgy Russell! (The following are mostly lies, and should not be confused with such things as the truth.)

Georgy Russell is, in fact, and alien. Not even a Martian, who we could at least sympathize with. No, she comes from "Planet X," the mysterious planet known only to astronomers and bad comic writers. Becoming governor of California is really only phase 4 of her plan to take over the world and enslave us all. It's not for energy, like the absurd Matrix suggests (human life is by no means an infinitely renewable energy source. All of our energy comes, directly or not, from the sun). No, folks on Planet X are just bored, and frankly, they think that Earth antics are some of the funniest out there. Their sense of humor differs from ours, of course, (they found the concept of a "Trail of Tears" uproariously funny) but the concept is the same.

Okay, so I'm making that up. The truth is that Russell is merely a concerned citizen who wants to become governor of California so that her dream can come true: To see a pyramid of 10 little people in the governor's office.

The aforementioned baseless rumors and accusations are false. Probably. Hopefully. That's what passes for a disclaimer on Georgy Watch. Direct all lawsuits to my lawyer, "up your body's waste-removal pipeline." You're sitting right on top of her office.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/04/2003 05:02:00 PM #
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Friday, August 01, 2003

Is Georgy for Governor Serious?

It's the eternal question on the mind of everyone who cares (not a huge number). Well, let's put those beloved analytic skillz to work, then.

Thongs: Cool! Women's underwear isn't going to get a condemnation from me. However, I can't say that selling thongs is really screaming "I'm a serious campaign!" As Mike pointed out, somewhere, if she showed up to a debate in one of those things (and maybe a top, if she's feeling modest), then we'd all definitely start to take her seriously. Right.

Femininity: Also quite a minus on the seriousness of the campaign. I mean, really... who's heard of a woman in power? Okay, don't lynch me yet, I'm not serious. Still, people are prone to take women less seriously in politics. I'm a chauvinist/misogynist, so I expect it from myself, but everyone else should be ashamed!

Clean up California: We all know that all women are good for is cooking and cleaning. And since cooking for an entire state just isn't feasible, this figures as a platform. It is, though, a serious political platform, and helps bolster the whole "I'm a serious candidate for governor" image.

Progressivism: DejaKucinich. California may be liberal, but it's not "progressive." This is probably that Berkeley experience coming back to haunt her, where it was acceptable to brag about being the first state to do things, and do some stereotypical complaining about Bush and Texas. But at large, this stuff just sounds like idle dreaming.

Explicit Stance on Gay Marriage: Haaha! Man, she had me going there for a second.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 04:27:00 PM #
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Can Georgy Win?

Short answer: No. Long answer:.... actually, there's really no long answer. It's still no.

And it's not just because she doesn't have a few billion dollars to back her up, either. Candidates such as Georgy get huge support from a few people. Those few people may be die-hard supporters, but their vote still only counts once. This is what has enabled folks like Gray Davis to stay in office, with his huge number of "just barely better than the other guy" votes. Oh, well. Go democracy.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 04:05:00 PM #
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The Beetle-eyed view, a Prologue

I first heard about Georgy Russell in my local collegiate newspaper,
The Daily Cal. (although to call it of collegiate quality right now would be a stretch) I saw it, and I thought "Wow, how fun. Maybe I can call her a sexist." (Yes, that is how I think) Well, luckily enough, she said just the right thing: "As a woman, I love to see more female role models where women take stances on political issues." My first severe problem with this sentence was that it had poor grammar. "...female role models where..."? But then, it dawned on me that she had started off the sentence "as a woman." Aha! Victory! Any sentence which starts off with "As a woman" is clearly sexist, since it tries to restrict women to a certain behavior which could be called "appropriate," and has the same horrible implications which accompany the word "unbecoming."

I filed it away in my "little jokes which I guess were only funny to me" folder and moved on. But then, on a fateful day (Saturday, July 26, to be exact), something terrible happened. Google noticed.

Strolling over to my counter which I check on occasion, my readership had suddenly shot up from a measly 10, to a slightly less measly 48. "Whaaa?" said I, discovering that I had a huge number of hits from people looking for information on Georgy Russell. Apparently, Google hasn't forgotten my ever-so-slightly more prolific blogging days where 150 hits wasn't too uncommon for me, and still has me ranked as the number 5 or 6 search result for Georgy Russell.

After this, fate was sealed, and I approached my destiny with a mixture of triumph and trepidation. "Give the people what they want," said one of the voices in my head. And so was born: Georgy Watch.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 03:38:00 PM #
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Oh, why not

Well, it's a slow news summer, and the Beetle Beat needs a theme, so look out, Georgy fans, welcome to the newish and improvedish GEORGYWATCH. After about a week of receiving nearly all of my hits from people looking for a few interesting tidbits on Georgy Russell, serious gubernatorial candidate/thong saleswoman, I've decided to devote my whole blogging time (five minutes or so a day) to monitoring, observing, and otherwise poking fun at the Georgy Russell for Governor campaign. Stay tuned, folks! We've got two months 'till election time, and that'll mean two months of fun here, if Georgy goes the distance.

To my Berkeley readers.... Well, sorry. Not much is happening in the news, anyway.

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 03:19:00 PM #
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Believe you me, I'm right

The UC Academic Assembly decided to
give professors the go-ahead to preach their political views rather than teach when it comes to classes. In a justification that boggles the mind, ammendment drafter Robert Post (who isn't even a UC professor) explains that political motivations don't matter: "It doesn't matter why you write something. The issue is, is it good scholarship? Is it professional scholarship?" I don't disagree, but when it comes to classrooms, it's not a matter of writing a research paper. Research papers have political motivations. Otherwise, there'd be no point. But there's a huge difference between writing a research paper and teaching a class of (paying) students. The students are there to learn about a subject, not to be bombarded by the professor's views.

Good ol' outgoing prez Atkinson insists that the 21st century has different rules of logic which make turning classrooms into intellectual orgies okay. "blah blah blah academic freedom blah blah," he says. Just out of curiosity, who's idea was "academic freedom"? We're paying them. Money. People get paid money to do jobs, not to have freedom. In fact, you accept payment as part of an agreement where you give up a certain part of your freedom. That's how jobs work. Instead of doing whatever the hell you want to do, you do something in particular, in exchange for pay. "Academic freedom" would be like walking into a McDonalds, asking for a hamburger, and getting a toothpick in the name of fast-food cooking freedom.

In any case, I'm hoping that none of these "motivations don't matter" folks ever mention the ol' "This helps the rich" or "It's for oil companies" arguments again. Motivations don't matter. Trent Lott is a racist? Big whoop. If racist actions he takes make the world better in some way, let's go praise him! Hooray for racism! Motivations don't matter!

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 02:49:00 PM #
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Proving that The Daily Cal is still
Kevin's bitch, our beloved school paper decided to publish a story on the now-dead bank robber's ties to UC Berkeley.

However, since both the DA and the university have made it clear they will not protect the newspaper from harassment and theft from various student groups (ah, wouldn't it be ironic if it turned out to be Mayor Bates to the rescue after all), the story is about as apologetic as The Socialist Worker is for terrorists. With plenty of 'allegedly's, Alicia Wittmeyer writes absolutely nothing negative about him. It's all friends saying "no way" and his status as an honors student (in African American studies... yeah, that means a lot). There are no reports from the police as to why they think it really was him, no reports from witnesses, etc. etc.

Not that the information wasn't available. In another shamelessly stolen link from CalStuff, The Contra Costa Times reports that the money was found with him, and he had been involved in this kind of thing before. It's summer, after all... the student groups aren't around to burn your building down, so stick that neck out a tad, eh, Daily Cal?

posted by Beetle Aurora Drake 8/01/2003 02:36:00 PM #
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